We spent part of Diwali morning at a home for the aged. Fifty old women, all of whom have lost their husbands are living alone. As in, living together, all alone. When I called the trustee in the morning to ask if there was anything in particular they needed that we could take with us, she said, Oh, there are many things they need. But please don’t take sweets for them.
Surely enough, there were boxes and boxes of sweets at the home. Sent by loving children and relatives for their mothers on the festival. Boxes of sweets for old people, most of whom were diabetic or had other health problems. And could not eat them anyway. Boxes of sweets for the old people. And not a single visitor from any of the families.
The lady in-charge took us around and showed us the room of the “first resident” of the home, who had been there for many yearsdaughter from Switzerland. A tape recorder. The pretty nightie she was wearing, with now. Everything in this room has been sent by her small pink and purple flowers. Posters showing snow-covered alpine peaks. Does the old lady stare at it and remember her daughter each time the drab room with one single metal cot and two plastic chairs feels claustrophobic?
Surely, one’s parents are not use and throw as all other things have become…?
***
I had written the tragedy of trust a long time ago (September 2003). Some of it here…
Do you remember this small news item on television last month during the Nasik Kumbh Mela. About how many sons and daughters were bringing their aged parents to the Kumbh Mela and abandoning them there ?
Picture this : unsuspecting, old parents happy to be at the Kumbh Mela, willing to be led by those they trust, their own children. To be forsaken.
There is a time in everyone’s life when the role reversal happens; the parents no longer are the protectors but the protected. How often, as adults, have you hidden something from your parents, not with the intention of ‘a deliberate lie’ but to ‘shelter’ them from the unpleasant truth ? Or seen them grow old, age in front of your eyes and only watched helplessly ?
As children, don’t we trust our parents blindly ? In turn, are they not entitled to trust in us ?
If old people cannot trust their own children, then whom do they trust ?
***
Also read Home alone in America, a moving piece on the ‘abandoned parents brigade’.
I don’t recall the Kumbh Mela incidents. Aargh! how horrid…no wonder Indian parents are so paranoid regards their children.
Patrix, NDTV I think had carried a tv story on it (sep 03) – but I cant find a link to it anywhere – will link here when I do. but horrid, yes.
charu – the ndtv story really shook me up. i look at parents here in the uk and sometimes wonder how they can be so… detatched for want of better word from their kids. and then i see indian parents – living only for their children only to be so callously disgarded later on. don;t these children realise what goes round comes round?
Some thoughts on the NRIOL story. Tangential to your post though. I recently visited my sister in the UK after having been in the US for the past two years. Besides the size factors (most of the things/places/stuff are half the size in UK), I noticed the marked difference in social interactions. In UK, the population density is far more than US but not so great as in India. This seems to have shaped a lot of how people treat each other. UK, as I remarked to my wife, seemed to be a better India – lesser population and better resource management. And, I kept thinking. India could be like this. India could be like this right now. If it were, we would not have to leave our homes in the first place.
Charu – do you think the old woman should be in Switzerland with her daughter instead?
The India of the family values.
dad and mom traditionally visit a hospice – where people have come to die in peace. the same story Charu. abandoned by their ‘kith and kin’.
but abandoning someone to die is a very accepted fact in our tradition.
Ram asks Lakshman to dump sita in the middle of a forest – when the drunk dobhi makes his comments. Kunti sends Karna down the river – literally – when she discovers that she is an unwed mom. Let’s not even count all the instances of patricide.
SF, I think it is a curse for Indian parents – the way they have been wired to focus all their attention and emotions around their children.
Selva, another thing about the UK compared to the US angle – in the UK, there is a good public transport system in place. people, even strangers can find their way easily and go around using buses and trains. in sheer contrast is the US where people visiting the country have to depend on others to take them around in their cars – I am saying this specifically with respect to old parents who visit their children – my aunt who went to visit her daughter in the US came back and said, “I felt like a bird in a gilded cage – I had all comforts but I felt almost imprisoned at home”.
Tilo, how is that relevant? The point of the post is not about where the woman should be – in Switzerland or in India. it is about the fact that the daughter sends her expensive gifts and sweets on occasions – but it is many years since the mother has even seen her.
Harini, what do I say? As a society, we do not even throw away ball point pens (we try to reuse eevn use and throw products), but we feel no qualms in throwing away people who are “inconvenient” in our lives… yes, this is the India of parivaar and sanskaar that our K serials show each day – and millions lap up with tears in their eyes…
Hi Charu
I used to work as a security guard in an old folks home. I saw several extremes. Some children would visit every weekend (and I would think – get a wife instead). Then there were some children who did very little for their parents. I remember this one juvenile dilinquent who would always pester his grandfather for cash (probably for drugs).
But most children really did want to spend more time with their parents. It isn’t so easy once the children move away from home.
“As a society, we do not even throw away ball point pens (we try to reuse eevn use and throw products), but we feel no qualms in throwing away people who are “inconvenient†in our lives… ”
Very well said! It made me feel very sorry for my not being God! I wish I were Him!
Michael, I hope so. I really do – that most children do want to spend time with their parents. but I see more and more in India, families where children hve neither the time nor inclination to be with old parents…
Really heartrending. All parents deserve comfort and dignity in the evening of their life. But–do parents have kids as life insurance? Parents want their kids to better their lot in life. Kids want that as well as to look after their parents. Old age homes are at the other end of the spectrum from creches. Both are essentially the same thing–where earlier a big joint family took care of kids and elders, now the job is being done by institutions. But the daughter-in- switzerland should be visiting her mom, of course. In Delhi, practically everyday an old person/couple living alone is murdered and robbed. Well off people with kids abroad are opting for old age homes for the security and company. We are in a state of flux today. Here is wishing for a little compassion in all of us.
Lak, sadly material comforts – money and good clothes and a “luxurious” old age home is just not the same as comfort from near ones. I dont know if parents have kids as life insurance – what i do know is in any case they pay a very high price… devote their entire lives to the kids and then this…
Old age is a time when we need the love and care of our loved ones most. However, in our country some old people are put in homes for the aged and are conveniently forgotten by their children.
None can deny the parents favor upon their children. The parents are the underlying reason for the existence of the child. They have reared him in his babyhood and experienced painstaking efforts to provide full comfort and sound well-being. Your mother had you in her womb while you were a parasite there sharing her food and whole being for nine months.
The right of parents upon you is to do good with them. You should be good to them physically as well as monetarily, and also with your words and your actions. You should be obedient to them unless in it there is disobedience to Allah or there is some harm to you. Be kindhearted to them and serve them as they need your help. In their old age, in case of any ailment or weakness, never consider them a burden on you neither speak to them harshly, because one day you will also become as old as they are. You will be a father as they are your parents and, if life permits, soon you will be an old man before your children just like your parents became old before you. So you will be needing the help of your children as your parents need you today. If you are doing good to your parents then you must have the good news of a great reward and a better showing from your children, because whoever remained good to his parents, his children will also be good to him; and whoever annoyed his parents, will also be annoyed by his children. It is the process of recompense that deeds provide the results accordingly ” as you sow, so will you reap. Allah has ranked the rights due to the parents high next only to His and the Prophet”s, Allah says:
“Worship Allah and join none with Him in worship, and do good to parents…” (4:36)
Old age is humanity’s greatest invention, and on an even deeper level, it invented us.
“The old-age homes we saw were dirty, the depression of the people there was complete. Lets us create a beautiful old-age home to drive home the message that age and alienation from children do not mean the end of life.”
“The death of an old person is like the loss of a library.â€
I just today saw your thoughts in the web.While i can only feel sorry for the poor who abandens his parents as he is fighting for his own survival.How about educated and well placed person he comes to india and doesnot even stay with his parents for one day but the girls are a little better.