I thoroughly enjoyed reading Krish Ashok’s post Priestly Matters – it clearly touches a chord in many of us, going by the number and content of the comments on that post. I personally sat through my Tambram wedding, too dazed by the circus, while my husband was even more dazed due to the fact that he spoke nor understood a word of Tamil then. Meaningless rituals, mispronounced Sanskrit, I agree but here is the thing. These rituals were all formulated at a time when child marriage was the norm – and given the social conditions prevailing then, I think they made immense sense.
To begin with, the Hindu (Tamil) marriage ceremony is full of games – I can imagine a small girl crying and refusing to walk up to her future husband for the maalai ceremony – and quietening down when her uncles carry her on their shoulders – even enjoying it when there is a tug-and-pull during the actual exchange of garlands. And hey, some fun for the boy too – send him off on kashi yatra – he is after all, at an age when he ought to be studying – and lure him back with the promise of a beautiful young girl. the maalai, the oonjal, fun and games during the nalangu. And I do not think the other ceremonies like the kanyadanam and Saptapadi were originally mean to be anti-woman or anything like that – the bride is a little girl and has been protected and sheltered so far – and now her husband (and his family) have taken over the role of her protectors and providers – and friends.
It is interesting that the Saptapadi mantras talk about companionship and friendship – “Ye who have walked with me, become my companion, whereby I acquire your friendship. We shall remain together Ć¢ā¬ā Inseparable. Let us make a vow together. We shall love, share the same food, share our strengths, the same tastes. We shall be of one mind. We shall observe the vows together. I shall be the Sama and you the Rig. I shall be the upper world and you the earth. I shall be the sukhilam and you the holder. Together we shall live, beget children and other riches. Come thou, o sweet worded girl.”
And all this hoopla about the sister-in-law – the naathanar – someone told me this – when the young bride enter her husband’s home, her sister in law is possibly the closest in age to her – she rarely sees her husband during the day, and as for the mother in law, oh never mind. And at a time when widowhood was possibly the worst thing to happen to a woman, I do not blame her parents for praying for her sumangali status.
And thus I can ramble on. But the point is this – I think the rituals were designed to provide entertainment and satisfaction for all – certainly the young kids being wedded, and the families too. These, remember, were times when the boy and girl were actually that – not twentieth century, mid-thirties, been-too-busy-to-wed-earlier-since-studying-and-earning-USD “boys” and “girls”. They have not only lost meaning in today’s context, but somewhere down the centuries, been twisted to suit an increasingly misogynist society. Feel free to blame it on Manu and friends. (A commenter on Krish Ashok’s post does say this – A rough analogy would be to skim through, say, the Manusmrti like a novel, look for the contentious bits, take it out of context and say that Manu was sexist and racist – but sorry, all I have read of Manu has so far shown only that side of him – if there is more, I would appreciate you telling me about it)
Rituals out of context are meaningless – can we question them, examine them, reformulate them – to make some meaning out of the original thoughts behind them? To begin with, get your priest to explain the meaning behind the mantras? I laud the way Krish Ashok’s sentiments- My point was that tradition and ritual need to be relevant and cognizant of changing social mores. Yes, yes.
“- and quietening down when her uncles carry her on their shoulders”
An abiding memory is the peerless ‘Sirpi’s drawing of a traditional KalyaaNam
of the 1900s as a frontispiece for Sivasankari’s ‘PaalangaL’ in Vikatan.
It was a beautifully rendered piece, with the gloriously bellied mamas dripping
betel juice and carrying the young bride and groom (looked about 8 and 5).
The boy was wide eyed, with a kuruvi vaal rendered with ‘mai’ (collyrium)
and the little girl had her head bent in ‘naaNam’.
Memorable!
Soundar, this is incredible! i don’t know why but I have been thinking of Paalangal since I first read Krish Ashok’s post – and decided to read it again soon (I have the book back home in Madras) – something about the way we – and different generation deal with generations, I suppose – I haven’t seen this drawing but I can imagine it.
What a beautifully written post š I had no idea that a post about my experiences with the priest at my wedding will evoke the kind of response it did. In a way, I had it easy as the vaadhyar was a distant relative and was more interested in the pecuniary aspects of his trade than the spiritual/cultural underpinnings of hindu weddings.
A far more difficult person to deal with is an elderly Mama of my mother who is the de facto authority on all matters related to rituals in my family. I wrote about an interesting run-in I had with him when I was still studying engineering. It’s on the glossary page under the definition of Jilpa.
/* if there is more, I would appreciate you telling me about it */
ah! if only mountain visited mohammed’s home that often.
I thought manu was fair, just and awesome doode. but then i haven’t understood him fully. u have to spend months reading him and probably a life time understanding him.
Wonderful post. The rituals went with the times. The times are long gone and are no longer considered appropriate, but the rituals remain.
A very good post. Some of this I myself have been thinking a lot of times. Even North Indian marriages have similar rituals. It was very good that you put these things into words.
Beautiful post!
I had just commented on Ashok’s site about one thing I learnt about how one particular ritual’s origins were related to child marriages! (I won’t reproduce it here, you can read my comment at Ashok’s post). He directed me to your article and I’m grateful.
Yes, in fact, there are so many rituals and customs (not just about weddings) that actually have some rational basis in their origins, but have lost it in today’s modern context. Society blindly continues to cling to them, forgetting their whole purpose. I wish someone would write a compendium of all such meaningful insights. It will help the future generations!
Wonderful post and does underscore my belief that most Hindu traditions have had some logical context in the past which over the years have blurred and been followed blindly. But perhaps, we do need an upgrade…Hindu wedding 2.0?
I think we need to distinguish between customs and rituals. Kashi Yatra, Oonjal , Nalangu and even Mangalyadharanam are social customs. Saptapadi and others done before the agni accompanied by mantras are the rituals.
-This includes where they place the nugatthadi and the bride is cleansed by chandra , agni and someone else.
-Cleansing the bride of various doshas
– The father in law washing the groom’s legs ( yes he is personified as Vishnu, pray tell me why the bride (child as she is was not personified as Lakshmi and her inlaws never washed her feet??)
– The oonjal tradition and also the tradition in some communities called filling the lap of the bride. Only married women and women with kids are allowed.
-Chanting mantras are the exclusive privelege of the male. The female is largely silent and stands mute by the side of the male. By female I also include the girl and boy’s mother (they weren’t children, were they??)
Also by misogyny is meant all of the following:
-That women are somehow are considered inferior
– That their existence in society revolves around the existence of a male in their life.Those without this status are somehow relegated to the background in essence this whole concept of “AUSPICIOUSNESS” is misogyny
– That their sole function in society and life was portrayed as being someone’s wife, someone’s daughter and praying that they end up as someone’s mother
– That they need to cleansed of various doshas whereas the groom stops with the vrata and worship.
– Further proof is the seemantham where all mantras wish explicitly for male progeny. If it is merely for the safe birth of a child why is it not performed for the subsequent births.Are they assumed to be easy just because the wo
– The belief that the firstborn male alone is capable of taking his ancestors to the heavens .
I think all religions are misogynist, in the sense that the custodians of the faith are exclusively male and all rituals are directed at preserving the gender hierarchy in favor of men. But the reason I still like Hindu rituals is because you can reject any of the rituals you don’t like without being cast out of the faith. That is, of course, if you have supportive family and friends, and most importantly, the law on your side. About specific rituals, change is also possible. For example, a friend of mine had a female Pandit presiding over her wedding. Wedding was attended by hundreds of friends and family and registered as perfectly legal. Also, the washing of the feet is probably a regional thing. E.g. in my community (Bengalis), the bride’s feet are also washed with milk and alta (red paint for the feet) upon entry into husband’s house, as she is considered Lakshmi making her entry into the husband’s home.