The gift of a daughter – is not enough – it is the gifts that the daughter carries to her husband’s home that matter… As I finish reading Subhadra Butalia’s book The gift of a daughter – ‘encounters with the victims of dowry’, my thoughts are with the countless married women who go through this harrassment every day (living with it and maybe even dying of it some day), unmarried girls who commit suicide because they do not wish to be a burden on their parents, and parents themselves who would rather kill their newborn daghters than bring them up and then face a situation where they are unable to provide adequately for their marriages.
The gift of a daughter is on the one hand a powerful moving narrative, an attempt by the author to reflect on and document her efforts in fighting the dowry evil. It traces the first awakening – from dowry was never an important issue in my life – in the author towards the horror of dowry and the subsequent path she takes to set up Karmika; the indifference that existed everywhere, the hurdles at every step, the hope that sprang up every time a woman stood up for herself and against the system, the despair that tended to be overwhelming at times when she sensed how deep-rooted the practice was….
And on the other, it is the story of many young women – women from different places and different backgrounds, but with remarkably similar stories. Every woman’s story goes somewhat like this – married off by her parents, sometimes with great hopes and dreams about her future, sometimes against her will and better judgment. Living with physical and mental harrassment at the hands of those she had hoped would protect her and love her. And finally dying in a bizarre accident involving only herself and a stove…
***
It is the story with the women as the main characters, only they have no lines.
And then there are the other performers, all of them mute too – her own parents watching in silence as their daughter goes through hell…
She stayed at her parents’ home for six months; then there was a council of the elders of the family and it was decided that she must ‘be returned‘. The family apologized to Hardeep’s husband and his parents for the meagre dowry she had brought, they added more and sent her back. [emphasis mine]
What will society say if we take her back into our home? Who will marry her sisters if it becomes known that the elder daughter is separated from her husband?
Adjust. That terrible word. It is a horrifying truth that every time a harrassed girl comes back to her parents and complains about the ill-teratment meted out to her, the parents advise her to go back and adjust.
Above all, who has the time and energy to fight battles for the dead; the others in the family are alive and it is essential to take care of living and forget the dead…
What was important for him now was his family, his business, his widowed mother. If he kept chasing the case, all this would fall by the wayside, so he had decided that since Hareep was dead anyway he would focus on the living. [Hardeep’s brother]
And even before this, parents and families who believe that it is the right of the groom’s side to demand dowry and their duty to provide one.
The brothers said, “after all she is our sister. Why should we not give everything we can? If they ask, let them; we’re happy to give”
“Do you mean we should send our daughters to their matrimonial homes like beggars?”
And her in-laws watching in silence as their daughter-in-law goes in up flames ignited by them in the first place…
Supported ably by the legal system that is as mute as the others in this drama…
In 1981, a judge actually delivered a statement in a dowry case (Inder Sain vs the state) in which he said (according to the Times of India) that anything given after marriage did not count as dowry.
And indifferent and insensitive.
All too often the judicial process fails them, repeated adjournments dampen their faith and, as time passes and the initial shock of grief lessens, the daily routine of life reasserts itself and it begins to seem less and less important to pursue the case.
And finally, the biggest culprit in this all – “society” – voyeuristic at times when the drama is unfolding in front of their eyes, in their neighborhood, within their own family and indifferent when it comes to reacting and doing something, even saying something. Suddenly then, it is an internal family issue and maintaining friendly and neighbourly relations is paramount, even with murderers…
Why do you bother? It is a matter between the husband and the wife. Perhaps she did something to offend him. [So he set her on fire]
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All the stories that Butalia has documented here are from decades ago, the 1970s and 80s when the self-bursting kerosene stove was suddenly discovered, and some even older. Sadly, these stories could all be from now and here, from the new century, from this ‘shining’ country, this booming economy…
Sadly, nothing has changed…
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Update : Is the traditional match-making really the best way? Read Uma’s latest post where she lso links to an earlier piece on a rubbishy practice like dowry needs to go.
This one single issue – harassment of brides for a stupid dowry is the biggest indicator of how primitive Hindu society is today, inspite of all the so-called culture, “glorious” civilization, IT, BT, democracy and all that baloney.. Every time I read about an “episode” in the newspapers here in the US, it hits home – the fact that we’re still a “primitive” people, compared to many nations and cultures. There’s only one solution – the economic independence of women in India. Where’s the BJP or its outfit of misfits – RSS?
should read this….it isn’t yet on amazon.
Powerfully written Charu, this discussion on the book. Will try to get hold of it.
However, my personal opinion is that any discussion on dowry should also focus on the success stories, where women have turned around…where they have discovered in themselves the strength to get out of the situation…
I have often wondered at some of the things that lead to these dowry cases.
1)Why is it okay for a girl’s family to covet a ‘good catch’…isn’t that is what makes them agree to a dowry/hefty dowry in the first place? I do believe that in every day and age there would have been good, kind guys around who are ready to marry without a dowry but then they may not have been the ‘best catch’ in terms of caste, family status, career whatever. Surely there is greed on both sides of the equation?
2)What makes a bride’s family sometimes think that they should agree to an instalment policy as far as dowry is concerned? It is not uncommon to promise a hefty sum and then keep paying in cash or kind through the years (all for the daughter’s happiness of course!). If you agree to ‘buy a guy’ then you have to pay the price – either cash down or instalments and anyone who buys anything on instalmens knows that it is hardly interest free! And then again, just stop paying your instalments on your house or car and see what happens? Why should any other buy be different?
2)What prevents a woman from leaving a home where she is tortured…is it really true that there are no alternatives to either living in a hellish marital home or an indifferent parental one? Surely the world is larger than shuttling between 2homes, both of which don’t want you? Why this sheer desperate need to be part of a family at any cost to self? Could it be that many times we suffer simply because the unknown is simply more terrifying than known pain?
Maybe I am looking at the wrong side of the glass here but I do think change needs to come from within…we are not living in the primitive ages…we do have a choice today. Blaming others is hardly going to help to change the system. Yes society is a bystander…but isn’t it true that when I myself am not doing something about my situation why should I blame others for not carrying my flag?
Perhaps the answer lay in women’s education…giving her the ability to be financially independant…and yet over the years I have seen that it is not enough…the woman may be educated but lacks the courage to step out…to say ‘no’…she is terrified of the unknown, and most often a 3rd choice will not even occur to her! So it is this fear and emotional dependance that needs to be tackled…as well as the ‘good catch/buy at any cost’ principle.
I sometimes wonder if glorifying the victims and looking for solutions elsewhere will bring complete social change today. Because I believe that most of the times whereever successful change has come about, it has been when the ‘victims’ have refused to be victims any longer.
Let me know what you think.
I am looking forward to a day when we the man will no longer be seen as a ‘catch’ and the girl as a ‘milk cow’. Maybe both should be guaged for what they are – people…and then maybe we will find that all is not lost.
sigh. i wish we still lived in little tribal clusters… then there wouldnt be such an intimidating faceless “system” to fight. god. totally depressing.
Someone very wise said this: “The groom always looks for a wife who’s Sita-like, but never once stops to inquire if he is Rama-like” – this is the story of weddings in India, a thoroughly commercial venture, with questionable products and by-products.
” 100 percent zero dowry zone” – excerpted from the Indian Express Sunday Edition 1/29/06….
Wedded to the cause
A farming community in Maharashtra’s Shahada taluka follows the Dowry Prohibition Act in spirit. It uses the money saved in nurturing the local college instead
ANURADHA NAGARAJ
SHAHADA
LAST weekend, 21-year-old Madhuri Patil tied the knot in Amlad Village, in the heart of Maharashtra’s tribal Nandurbar district. It was a quiet two day affair. A simple haldi function at home, followed by a ‘‘minimalistic wedding’’. And then the grand announcement. Sugarcane farmer and grandfather of the bride, Pulakhi Shambu Patil made his way to the centre of the hall and proudly declared that on the ‘‘auspicious occasion we are donating Rs 11,000 to the Sane Guruji college’’. The gathering nodded in approval and the wedding was solemnised.
Welcome to the ‘‘100 per cent zero dowry zone’’. Far from flamboyant farm house weddings and multi-cuisine receptions, a farming community around Shahada taluka is doing away with all marriage fanfare, slashing their wedding expenses by 50 per cent. Instead, all the money they save on dowry and the wedding is donated to a local college.
‘‘We give for the future of our children’s children,’’ says proud Pingare village resident T R Patil. ‘‘Traditionally each member of the groom’s family was given something. There were lots of fights, financial situation of the community was deteriorating and there was so much social tension.’’
But over the last 20 years, one wedding at a time, the entire Gurjar community (it migrated from Kheda in Gujarat to Nandurbar) has slowly transformed its weddings into an educational enterprise.
The first change came in the invitation cards, which specifically state: ‘‘No gifts please’’. Then, the engagement ceremony was made a family affair. ‘‘The only thing permitted during the engagement is biscuit and tea,’’ says the community rule book. Engagement lunches and dinners are banned.
And on D-day, a registered marriage or a simple ceremony is encouraged. The guidelines are strict. Only one sweet is allowed to be served. No utensils are to be given to the bride and the only time money is brought up is when the donation is announced. The money is subsequently deposited in a bank as per the agriculture schedule and availability of money with the farmer.
Donating anything between Rs 500 to acres of agricultural land, the farmers have given the college everything it needs. Property worth Rs 50 crore, buildings, laboratory equipment and the recent addition — an entire horticulture faculty.
‘‘We like to give our students all the options in the world,’’ says principal Dr Ashok Patil. ‘‘Earlier students travelled to Pune, Mumbai to complete their higher education. Now they save all that money by enrolling here. And we ensure that they get the best education possible.’’
The Sane Guruji Vidya Prasarak Mandal has been in business since 1969. The college has 5,300 students, an ever-expanding faculty and facilities better than most institutions in far-flung areas like Shahada.
Being a non-grant college, most of the facilities on the campus are built from donations. ‘‘The fees is not sufficient to run this place efficiently. But we accept money only from farmers of the area,’’ explains Ashok Patil. ‘‘No businessman or industrialist can contribute. We want this college to be specifically for our farmers.’’
It started out in a small way. President of the All India Leva Patidar Gurjar Samaj and former Shahada MLA P K Anna Patil began the anti dowry campaign way back in the early ’80s. It was around the time that radio was being replaced by televisions on the dowry list, along with cupboards, scooters and the popular gold.
‘‘During a wedding, the groom’s side always say that goddess Lakshmi is coming home, but in the bargain, the bride’s father goes bankrupt,’’ says the veteran Anna Patil. ‘‘It has taken us quite a while, but despite initial resistance, today dowry has completely been weeded out.’’
The rules are even stricter for the faculty teaching at the institution. ‘‘We have already dismissed a professor for giving dowry,’’ says a firm Anna Patil. ‘‘Slowly self-discipline is coming in.’’
‘‘I am happy my father didn’t have to worry too much about my wedding expenses,’’ says newly wed Madhuri. ‘‘Knowing that a wedding doesn’t need so much money makes the entire thing so much more enjoyable.’’
Pramod, thanks for your thoughts – and sorry I haven’t been able to respond earlier… more than economic independence, I think it is independence of thought – that will give women the courage to walk out… and only education is the way for this… I understand this custom originated at a time when daughters did not have a share in their father’s wealth / property and ahd to be given streedhan as some kind of insurance for their future… but in this age, it is just a meaningless custom exploited by greedy parents…
think about dowry – harrasment, deaths, suicides – and think about female infanticide… ties in so terribly well…
what a lovely story… thanks for sharing it here.. I hope the ‘100 per cent zero dowry zone’ becomes a tourist attraction 🙂 loved the “biscuit and tea” bit… imagine the amount of money each family can save on the food alone!
Sunil, do read the book… it is an excellent narative of how an organization was born…
m. sometimes.. often..I wonder if the “system” (or “society”) is something we invented just to cover up our own inadequacies and insecurities…
Aparna, we’ve already had a long discussion about this 🙂 but yes, we need more stories of fighters, the women who broke away and managed to live (as opposed to die) and live well (and not crumble under the pressures of “society” – there is that word again)..
we are all so conditioned from a young age… worst is when women actually believe that this is their life and their fate – and they know of no other life outside that circle of marriage and dowry…